Kentucky Fried Gaming?

Matthew Stipanović ’22

The console wars are over. Both PlayStation and Xbox have fought valiantly, but have been ultimately defeated by a never-before-seen adversary; one who lurked in the shadows and gathered its strength to crush both enemies in one fell swoop. This mysterious, omnipotent company is none other than Kentucky Fried Chicken. You read that correctly. The company that has brought you the best fried chicken ever is now releasing their first video game console, the KFConsole.

The almighty KFC has partnered with Cooler Master, a computer hardware company, to deliver this gift from the heavens. The console contains an Intel Nuc 9 Extreme Compute Element, one of the most powerful computing processors. It also contains a currently unknown Asus RTX-supported graphics processing unit (GPU) and two Seagate Barracuda 1TB solid-state drives (SSDs), which provide not only an immense amount of storage but also some of the fastest storage on the market.

The console is 4k and 240FPS capable. These next-level specifications prove that KFC is not messing around. They are in it to win it. And that does not even begin to mention the primary feature that will reinvent the landscape of gaming for all eternity: the built-in chicken warming chamber. This machine not only outperforms previous consoles, but it also gives gamers what they have subconsciously wanted since the first Atari system was released.

A chamber resides within the console which redirects the natural heat of the system to keep your chicken warm, fresh, crispy, and most importantly, finger-licking good. This ground-breaking innovation makes KFC the ultimate champion, not just of the console war, but as the greatest leap in technology since the internet.

There are two downfalls of this glorious console: it will be in limited supply, and it will be more of a collector’s item rather than a treasure for all. Although PlayStation and Xbox are far behind KFC in terms of technology, there is still hope for them. Mark Cheevers, the PR and social media lead at KFC UK and Ireland said, “If Sony or Microsoft want any tips on how to engineer a chicken chamber for their efforts next time, they’d be welcome to get in touch.”

The exact price of the console has not yet been revealed as this marvellous feat of engineering is still in the works. But does it matter? When presented with the opportunity to be a part of history, who would pass it up to save money for something as trivial as food, rent, or even more absurdly…education? Some people have estimated that the console will cost approximately 2500 CAD, but that is a small price to pay for the wonders of the built-in chicken warmer.

Photo credit: KFC

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