Arts & Culture

Wilcosh’s Festive Flicks

Riley Wilcosh ’22


Contributor

Once again, it’s time for a fresh batch of Christmas movie reviews from yours truly. But this year, I have decided to dabble in masochism. I have decided to waste hours of my time by reviewing sloppy snow, deplorable decorations, unpleasant presents, and horrible ho ho hos. For your entertainment, I have viewed and reviewed some of the worst Christmas movies of all time.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

The first movie on my list disappointed me when I watched it last year and I denounced it as a piece of trash. My opinion has not changed much after this additional viewing. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is the longest 90 minutes I have ever experienced in my life, probably due to the studio’s attempt to extend a half an hour short to triple the original length. To give credit where credit is due, the makeup and set design is incredible, and Jim Carrey uses every weapon in his vast comedic arsenal to save the film. Sadly, even he couldn’t rescue the retched pacing which made me feel the process of aging as I sat and watched. 4/10

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Despite a lot of cult appeal, this film did not deliver. Although moments of this film did make me laugh, these moments clocked in at around once every hour. The plot is excruciatingly predictable, and the film meanders and stalls like a toddler at bedtime. Arnold is as sympathetic as the sociopath he plays, and the CGI is woefully bad. Overall, Jingle All the Way is just plain boring, and the only emotion Jingle All the Way inspired in me was the unrelenting desire to turn it off. 5/10

Jack Frost (1997)

No, this is not the Michael Keaton movie, but boy, do I wish it was. In concept, a film about a killer snowman sounds very entertaining, but unfortunately, Jack Frost is anything but. The titular snowman never moves and looks like a clay model I could have made in third grade art class. The jokes don’t land, and the budget is rivaled by that of a middle school play. The video quality of the film resembles a YouTube video from 2013 shot by a nine-year-old. I have never enjoyed a movie less, and if you ask me about it, I will deny having ever seen Jack Frost. 0/10

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

My hopes were not high for a Christmas movie commonly considered one of the worst of all time. I don’t even consider the first Santa Clause redeemable. But among all the coal I have uncovered a hidden diamond, courtesy of Martin Short. Mostly known for various SNL performances, Martin Short plays Jack Frost, in a performance among the absolute best I have ever seen. The Loki-like Frost carries this movie, a feat akin to Atlas carrying the weight of the sky. Everything that Jim Carrey’s Grinch wants to be is Martin Short’s Jack Frost. Without his scenery-chewing performance, this movie certainly wouldn’t have made back ten times its budget and been a massive box office success. 10/10

Image Source: IMDB